Everyone enjoys being appreciated. It’s natural for social beings to seek validation through the views and evaluations of others.
The problem begins when the need for approval turns into a dependency that starts to restrict your life.
You might have caught yourself thinking: “If they didn’t praise me, something is wrong with me,” or “If I’m not being approved, it’s awful.”
These mindsets turn your emotions into a rollercoaster: when you’re praised, you’re on a high; when you’re criticized, your mood crashes.
The beliefs behind these thoughts are logically flawed. For example, you might believe that someone’s praise or a compliment automatically proves that you are good, smart, or capable.
If you think well of yourself, why do you need someone else to think well of you?
Mikhail Litvak
In reality, however, it is your own beliefs that primarily influence how you feel.
Compliments won’t improve your mood if you don’t believe they are sincere. Your mood changes only when you internally agree that you deserve the praise.
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Many people know this feeling: praise sounds polite but unconvincing, so you don’t truly accept it.
Did you actually feel good from that “praise”? Likely not. This is because, before your mood can improve, you instinctively check the external evaluation for authenticity—and that is an act of self-validation.
For instance, you might view positive feedback from a manager as significant praise and feel a boost. But words of support from a parent who is unfamiliar with your field might not have the same effect.
This happens because you doubt the truth of those words. The takeaway is this: your own beliefs about yourself determine how you feel.
Others can say anything about you—good or bad—but your emotions depend on what you think of yourself.
The price of depending on praise is hypersensitivity to the opinions of others.
Like someone struggling with addiction, you may feel the absence of approval acutely and constantly seek to replenish it.
If someone important to you disagrees with you, it hurts. This can create a temptation to sacrifice your own interests out of fear of rejection.
Consider this paradox: many notorious criminals, such as Charles Manson, had followers who viewed him as a “messiah” despite his crimes.
If even someone like that wasn’t completely devoid of approval, what terrible thing could you have done to be rejected by everyone? Does someone’s approval make them a worthy person? Are you equating approval with worth?
Receiving approval is pleasant and natural; it’s important to feel that you are doing something right and that your efforts are valued.
Similarly, rejection or criticism is unpleasant—that is a normal reaction.
The danger lies elsewhere: in believing that approval and disapproval are accurate reflections of your personal worth.
Do you criticize others yourself? Do you allow yourself to disagree with someone’s opinion? Most likely, yes. And yet, you don’t make a sweeping judgment about the person—you simply see things differently.
Often, it’s someone’s actions or words that upset us, rather than their “entire personality”—that is an important distinction.
Loved ones may have flaws, but that doesn’t make them “worthless.”
If your disapproval doesn’t strip a person of their value, why do you allow someone else’s opinion to completely devalue you?
When you worry that someone doesn’t like you, you overvalue their judgment and essentially surrender your right to your own judgment.
Yes, someone might point out your weaknesses—and there is value in that, as it’s how we learn. No one is perfect, and people are allowed to give feedback.
The reasons for depending on approval vary: bullying at school, the pressure of family expectations, the belief that “praise is good and its absence means I’m guilty,” or painful relationship experiences.
Often, the roots lie in family patterns: children trust adults and frequently adopt the habit of putting themselves down.
You’ve grown up, but external approval may still be “replacing” your internal foundation.
It is not your fault that you adopted these patterns in childhood; it is pointless to blame yourself for them.
But now, your adult responsibility is to examine how realistic these beliefs are and take steps to change them.
Next, here are some specific practices to help you apply these ideas and build resilient self-esteem and self-respect.
